You just made me feel so damn special
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
