The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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