As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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