I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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