god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
