Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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