The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
