I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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