it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
