I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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