So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
