I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
