Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
