im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
