my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
