I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
