I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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