she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
