if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
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After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
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How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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