you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
