Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
