Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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