I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
