Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
