I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
