i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
