put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
