I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
