winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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