It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
we're making bets on your personal life
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer