my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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