You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
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I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
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I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.