...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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