The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
