Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
