She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
