I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
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