Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
