just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
