He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
