Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
