Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish life had little blips of pornography
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just want nice things and good sex
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
