i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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