you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
