I wanna passion pit in your ass
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
