Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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