dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
