i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
