don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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