If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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