yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
