Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
