I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
