I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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