That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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