We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Randomize
