Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
