Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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