I smell stomach acid.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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