I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
