He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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