i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
