She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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