I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
