its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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