Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
